16 Reminders for Healthy Boundaries
16 Reminders for Healthy Boundaries
Here are some easy to read tips to help you set and stick to good boundaries for a good life!
Align with your Values & Goals.
Make sure your boundaries are aligned with your values and goals. Sometimes we aren’t clear on what these are, and that makes it harder to set authentic boundaries. Develop a sense of self and get clear on who you are and who you want to be!
Set them when in “Full Adult Self Mode”.
Try to make most of your boundary choices when you are in “adult self mode” and not in the midst of an emotional flood (i.e out of fear or anger), where you may be in a “child-like” emotional state. Think of setting boundaries as being connected to an adult, grounded self and not as a reactive moody child.
Although boundaries are a mode of self-preservation, they can still be made calmly and with a clear head when we practice pausing and waiting to react with a clear head.
Boundaries = More Love.
Remember that boundaries are meant to enhance relationships and promote connection (not to push people away, take revenge or to avoid vulnerable connection opportunities). If you feel that your boundaries are making you feel more isolated, make an appointment with your therapist. Your approach might need a bit of tweaking.
Boundaries are all about conserving Energy.
Use boundaries to conserve emotional, spiritual and physical energy. We all have different limits and learning to be intuitive about them is not natural for everyone. The point is to not let your internal batteries get so low that you crash and need a reboot. This method of going going going and then crashing causes so much unnecessary and cumulative wear and tear on us.
Asses Relationship History Beforehand.
Before you set a boundary, It can be really helpful to notice past patterns to help you predict potential difficulties. That kind of intel can be really helpful when attempting to set new boundaries.
Take it Slow and Leave Room for Error (without feeling guilty).
Guilt and shame don’t mix well with boundaries. Know that there might be bumps along the way, and accept the uncomfy moments. Slow and steady dear.
Keep it Simple.
Setting boundaries should be done clearly, calmly, firmly, respectfully, and in as few words as possible. You don’t have to provide explanations, excuses or apologies for the boundaries you set.
Remember you are Responsible for YOU only.
While it can feel uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of the other person’s reaction to your boundary setting, you are not responsible for their behavior or their emotions. If you know that you communicated your boundary in the most respectful way possible, you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Prepare in Advance.
People who are accustomed to getting their way, manipulating or controlling you might try to guilt trip you or punish you. If you can try to predict their reaction in advance you can better prepare for your response. Expect the worst, hope for the best and stay firm.
Don’t Backtrack.
When you apologize or backtrack it sends mixed messages. The boundary you are setting is nothing to be sorry about. It is meant to enhance and protect the relationship. Know your why, and don’t stray from it.
Let it Be Messy.
Most people feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when they start setting boundaries. Expect that it will be difficult but it will get easier the healthier you get. Just do it anyway and remind yourself you have to take care of yourself.
Ground Yourself.
The practice of mindfulness, self awareness and determination are golden keys to good boundary setting. Sometimes before setting boundaries, we need to do the deeper work of knowing ourselves and what type of boundaries we even want or need. Don’t hesitate to reach for help if you think you could grow in this area.
Notice the Signals of Bad Boundaries.
There are so many red flags that we need to become aware of, so that when we see them, we know we need to pause and find out what is lacking! When you feel burnt out, angry, resentful or notice that you are complaining a lot, you are probably not setting strong enough boundaries.
Tune In to the Somatic.
We don’t give our bodies enough credit! They are always speaking, giving little whispers here and there. Listen to your body and get a “felt sense” of how your boundaries are working (or not). This body awareness can help you determine next steps.
Find a Hand to Hold.
Find like-minded people to help you through your journey to balanced boundary setting. A mentor and a support system of people who respect people’s boundaries and the process of setting them can help you in unimaginable ways. This is SO important to have a friend or support team cheering you on!
Say Goodbye to Toxic Energy.
Eliminate toxic people and energy vampires from your life. (With abusive and controlling people you will likely need the support of a professional to help you successfully and firmly extricate yourself).
I hope you have found one of the above ideas helpful to you. If you even hold onto one of the tips, I would feel comforted knowing you are taking something with you- and I’d be pretty confident that if you practice even just one shift in mindset or a small change in boundary setting- you’ll improve your relationships.
Even a small shift with your own relationship does count!
And getting clearer on boundaries often helps us also solidify and shift current relationships as well…and you may even invite new and deeper connections as you grow!
Drop us a note if you found one of the pointers most resonates with you.
We are here in our offices in Long Island, New York, sending you heaps of support as you make small tweaks in your life. And if you are looking for one on one support to help you or a loved one with making changes in your life, and coming up with a personalized game plan for healing - feel free to reach out.
We are here for you as you get healthier and build more nourishing relationships.
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Sending love and care
XX Esther & The Integrative Team