Dear Abusive Boyfriend

Letting go of Unhealthy Relationships In Long Island & NYC

Maede came in on her usual Tuesday 10am appointment. From the corner of my eyes, I could see her sipping her green tea, and nibbling on her banana nut muffin. She was 10 minutes early. That was unlike her.

“Hmm” I thought to myself, “something must be weighing on her to have brought her here so early.” I then go to the lobby to get my cinnamon latte which was on its way.

As I walked back with my piping hot drink, I could see Maede a bit more clearly now. She looked tired. Her body posture looked slumped. Something happened…I am glad I’m seeing her today and hope we will have a good session”, I think to myself.

—-

I welcome Maede with a warm smile, and I welcome her into my office.

She exhales and I can see relief on her face as she settles in.

Hi Maede” I begin.

“Wait, Esther. I need to cry, but before I do, I need to share a letter with you that I wrote.”

…” I didn’t share it yet with Rob. I’m not sure if I should or not. But I need to share it with you.” She says.

“Of course, go ahead, I’m all ears”, I say.

She rolls out a crunched up paper, that looks like its been read and re-read a few times. She flattens it on the couch beside her muffin, and begins reading.

——-

“Hi Rob, I’m sitting here writing a letter, trying to prepare myself to break up with you.

But I’m scared. Very scared. And that’s why I’m taking the time to write this letter so I have a place to put my thoughts and feelings before I share them with you. Because I need a reminder of why you are no good for me. I need a place to mirror back to me that you are toxic, harmful and actually dangerous for my current and future self.

As I write this, I need to shush the shameful voice in my head that is feeing so much shame that I am 27 and in a relationship with you: a toxic man.

But I am going to not focus on that because right now, I need to work on myself, and take action, not worry. I can get frozen, but I’d rather take my energy to mobilize myself to action that helps me move out of this. It’s easy to get stuck, but I have too much life ahead of me, so I will go on with this letter.

Rob, you’ve been someone who offers me a lot. Duh. Or else I wouldn’t be struggling to break up with you. I’m not THAT crazy. You do have good parts of you. You’re sweet, sometimes. You’re thoughtful, sometimes. And you show up, sometimes , too. You’re amazingly attentive to detail and remember all the stories, vents and worries I’ve shared. And that part is probably why I’ve stayed this long. 2 years is a long time. But coming from a family where I was ignored, that kinda felt good to me, maybe even healing. So thank you for sometimes paying attention to my stories, and to my thoughts.

Now, the only thing is, I realize you have a lot of good, a lot of sweetness, but who you are- at least for me- is no good.

You’re like sweet frosting on top of a moldy cake.

I get drawn to you, because you’re sweet. You are enticing, and you’re comforting. But when I take a slice of cake, and ingest it, I immediately feel sick. Because your unhealth is moldy. Your moodiness is not good for me. The way you blame me for when things go wrong (that are not my fault), it’s scary. Your anger and frustration is toxic and makes me squirm inside: kinda how my body gets nauseas after eating moldy food, or food that has been left out for too long.

My body has a physical reaction to you; one that makes me want to throw up. And I’m so glad because if my body didn’t feel like it needed to run away, shut down or hide, then I’d be with you for a long time, and then I’d lose myself even more.

But here’s where I struggle; though I know you’re not good for me, though I see that you hardly ask about my day, and that I need to tip toe around you most of the time, I am still drawn to you.

And that’s why I’m writing this here.

I know its normal to have a Push-Pull dynamic with people who are charming and manipulative. It’s only normal to feel on the one hand, drawn in like there is a magnetic force. and then on the other hand, repelled.

There’s a concept in therapy my therapist was telling me about its called attraction & repulsion.

She said that with complex trauma survivors of relational trauma, they often have this dynamic.

Let me explain what it means.

Where, when you’re a kid, or a teen or adult, and you are in a relationship with someone who is, on the one hand loving, or is the person who is providing food, shelter and some kind of necessity for your survival, you feel drawn to them- because you kind of need them to stay alive.

But then there is a part of you that feels the danger, that feels the “yuck” of how they talk to you, how they may hurt you, neglect you, or in some ways, abuse you- and that’s the part that’s repulsed by them…

———

Her voice trails off and looks up at me.

She exhales.

———-

I look up at Maede.

Her eyes are moist. I imagine that writing this letter was hard. And that feeling her feelings must be gruesome for her. And at the same time, I’m also so proud of Maed for processing her experience. She had been with Rob for a while and I was concerned about the relationship, but trusted she’d make the right decisions as we kept doing the inner work.

“Maede, thank you for sharing this with me” I say, with a twinkle in my eye, that lets her know how proud I am of her.

“And I can imagine there are so many emotions rushing through you as you read this, and process” I look up and wonder how my sentence lands.

“No, Esther, I feel more clear than I ever was. I know it’s hard for me. I do care for Rob, I do”, she says.

Somatic Embodiment of Emotional Expression

She then gets up and says

“but this is NOT what I want for myself anymore. I want more. I think I may actually deserve more”.

She stomps as she says that.

I get up and mirror her body stance.

“I’m going to stomp with you, in agreement with what you said!” I say, and smile wide. “You most definitely deserve more” I say with an assured tone in my voice. She does. I know it and I want her to feel that from me loud and clear.

“Esther, you’re so silly” she laughs out loud.

“Yes, but here I’m serious”, I say, hands on my hips.

“Standing for Maede.

Maede deserves healthy love.

Let’s stand to that.

Let’s say it aloud.”

We walk around the room stomping on the ground, for a few moments.

Carving a Positive Somatic Experience on a Cellular Level

Embodying a movement and exercise with a client is a way to express and embody an experience. It helps the experience get “downloaded” on a cellular level, so the experience is engraved on the mind and body.

After a few moments, Maed settles back down onto the sofa. Her body seems lighter.

I notice, for a moment, how she seems significantly more energetic than when she came into session.

“I am so freaking proud of this lady”, I think to myself.

The rest of our session we digest what is going on for Maed, and then go inward to continue the work Maed and I have been working on.

—-

As her letter stated, we were working on her unconscious attraction to people who do not “see” her or cannot connect with her in a meaningful, mutually reciprocal way. We processed it with some minimal talk therapy, but primarily via using EMDR , Parts work and somatic therapy.

I am pretty impressed she had this revelation about her(soon-to-be-ex) boyfriend, but I also am not shocked. Why? Because we had been processing her feeling of worthlessness that she’s carried a lot of her life. And though we began with processing her sadness she has with Rob when she’s with him, the roots of her worthlessness began before she began dating him.

I am intentional to guide clients to the core of their pain, as that is where the real healing happens.

As humans, we don’t feel relief when we talk about pain again and again or when we simply understand our issues. Yes, we do need to do that, but there’s often a negative belief associated with a feeling, or a core thread of pain that is connected to what is causing us distress.

Good healing is about going to that core thread. And as we work with the core thread, we are able to provide relief to the pressure, to process the stored emotions, memories or sensations, and that leaves us feeling lighter.

With Maede, we were working with her core belief associated with worthiness. Or more specificially, where she learned to belief she was not worthy of love, care and attention. And that was at the core of her allowing and almost inviting, “bread-crummy” kind of relationships.

And as we processed her core beliefs, I could see how she was shifting in the way she was showing up in life. In how she valued her self, and in her relationships.

That’s the magic of healing. When we tend to the core pain, we start seeing ripple effects in all aspects of life.

As the session came to an end, I noticed a smile at the edge of my lips. I was feeling so happy to see Maed doing “the work”. It was hard, looking at her internal world, but it was harder not to. She had had a history of unfulfilling romantic relationships and she sought out counseling to change that pattern for herself. And our work was starting to make shifts and I was hopeful and excited to see how things would keep unfolding for Maede.

—-

“It’s hard to do the work, but it’s harder not to”.

I kept thinking about that as I prepared to log on to my Trauma Cohort.

As therapists, as humans, as people, we are all wanting to do our best in life. And sometimes the hard thing to do is face the problem, engage in the difficult next step and show up. Seeing Maede keep showing up for herself and her work was inspiring.

You see, we all inspire each other when we do the meaningful self development work.

As I got ready to train the therapists logging on to my Trauma Therapist Training, I went to review the Module on Relational Trauma, and the concept of Attraction and Repulsion. I thought that topic would be a rich one for us to discuss at some point in the upcoming meetings.

Attraction and Repulsion is often misunderstood - and getting to understand it helps us better understand why we are the way we are, and how to work with it (and for therapists to work more skillfully with their clients when they see it in their lives).

Stay tuned for the next blog on “The Magnetic Push & Pull | Attraction and Repulsion”

For now, I hope this blog offers you some support, some insight or some strength in navigating whatever it is you’re navigating.

Be it setting better boundaries with someone, be it embodying some kind of movement when you feel pulled to move, or to better understanding relationships. Relationships are multifaceted, and the clearer we are on what feels right for us, the more rich relationships we can have.

And the most important relationship is the one with yourself, so if you’re starting there, that’s ok too.

Wherever you are, I hope you lead with kindness. Kindness to yourself. To your process. To your health.

And, if you are needing some help from a licensed professional, we are here for you. 

Counseling for Anxiety and Relationship Therapy in NYC and Long Island.

We offer EMDR therapy, Somatic Therapy, Cognitive Therapy, Expressive Arts, and Internal Family Systems/IFS.
Wherever you are, please be gentle with yourself and know that change and healing begins with one step.

Book your FREE 15 minute consultation today!

Sending you warm wishes from our offices here in Long Island, New York.

Until Next time…..

Much love and hope you are enjoying your winter season.

Xx

Esther